Nine Straight Threes' NFL Power Rankings: Week 4

One week into the Power Rankings, and already, we are considering some structural changes. Should we introduce tiers? Is it better to start with team 32 and work down to 1? We’ll try some formatting alterations this week, and then decide how the whole thing looks, and then probably tweak some more next week.

As always, two things matter with these rankings: Performance, and watchability. Oh, you’re good but you’re boring? Not gonna be as high as you’d like. You’re bad, but you’re fun bad? Guess what, you’re getting some benefit of the doubt. And as with the real NFL, the worst place to be is the mushy middle, because no one’s sitting here dying to know who I have ranked 19^th in the league.

This week, we had some familiar faces scraping the bottom of the barrel, with plenty of upheaval near the top of the heap. Plus, an appreciation of a team on a ridiculous heater.

Without further ado, let’s dive in.

32. New England Patriots (1-3)

LW: 32

An absolutely unwatchable football team. They’re smart to keep Drake Maye from the punishment, and instead let Jacoby Brissett function as a sort of human shield. This is a bad roster that plays boring football, and is completely dead in the water the second they fall down by even 7 points. I will stress, however, that their fans deserve this. Six Super Bowls in a 20-year span means you can take your medicine for a while. 

31. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-4)

LW: 31

I’m writing this on Monday evening. Doug Pederson is still employed as of now. I’d offer that if this record becomes 0-5, he won’t be. Probably shouldn’t be, either. There’s talent here, I think, but you wouldn’t know it by the way these guys play. Pederson defended offensive coordinator Press Taylor after Jacksonville’s latest loss by saying, “As coaches, we can’t go out there and make the plays, right? It’s a two-way street.” Everything is great!

30. Miami Dolphins (1-3)

LW: 24

Any hope that Snoop Huntley might make the Dolphins a little more fun was dashed against the Titans. Miami turned in a desultory performance in a prime-time affair that was for true Sickos only. There is speculation that Tua Tagoavailoa will be back by Week 8; if he is, Miami becomes interesting again. If not? They could theoretically sink at least one spot lower on here. (New England’s going to be hard to dislodge.) Oh, and here’s a truly grim stat: The Dolphins are just the fourth team in the last 20 seasons to run zero offensive plays with a lead through the season’s first four games. Bad!

29. Cleveland Browns (1-3)

LW: 29

They probably should have beaten the Raiders, but, wouldn’t you know it, they missed an extra point, Amari Cooper had a horrible drop that turned into a pivotal interception, and with the game on the line, a disastrous snap doomed Cleveland’s chances. This remains a bad football team, but Nick Chubb’s return drawing closer makes them a tiny bit more interesting, at least.

28. Denver Broncos (2-2)

LW: 26

I know what you’re thinking: “But they won!” Yeah, but remember, this is about performance AND watchability. And there is no team outside New England that is less watchable than the Broncos. Bo Nix was 12-of-25 for 60 yards. All 60 were to Courtland Sutton. The Broncos who caught the other nine passes managed a total of zero yards. Vance Joseph’s defense delivered a master class, and I don’t want to be accused of being biased against that side of the ball, but that game was a trainwreck. What’s more, Denver has been unwatchable offensively in three out of four games. It’s becoming a trend.

27. Carolina Panthers (1-3)

LW: 28

Absolutely not dinging these guys for losing to a desperate Bengals team. The opposite, actually. They went punch for punch with Cincinnati in the first half, and rallied back from 31-14 down to make it a one-score game with half of the fourth quarter still to play. Rookie Xavier Legette (6 receptions, 66 yards, 1 touchdown, the most incredible southern accent you’ve ever heard in your life) had his best game so far, another cause for quasi-optimism.

26. Los Angeles Rams (1-3)

LW: 17

You don’t ever want to count out a team quarterbacked by Matthew Stafford, and Kyren Williams is certainly still a weapon, but this offense is going to be on the struggle bus without Puka Nacua and Cooper Kupp. Green Bay won’t be any picnic this week, and making matters worse, Packers fans will take over SoFi Stadium. It’s hard to imagine this team hitting the halfway point of the schedule with more than three wins. Makes you wonder if the rally over San Francisco was just a last, desperate gasp.

25. Tennessee Titans (1-3)

LW: 30

Their 31-12 triumph over Miami on Monday Night Football’s undercard was, as previously mentioned, a Sickos-only contest. Tennessee loses much of its car-wreck value with Will Levis on the sidelines, but the flip side is that Mason Rudolph gives them a chance to actually win football games, with his main skill being an ability to not commit the funniest turnover you’ve ever seen, at the absolute worst possible time. Brian Callahan said Will Levis will be his starter after the bye week if he’s healthy enough. I’m not sure I believe him.

24. New York Giants (1-3)

LW: 25

They almost did something extremely cool and beat the Cowboys on Thursday Night Football, but alas, it was not to be. Malik Nabers won’t win Offensive Rookie of the Year, as that belongs to Jayden Daniels, but he is exceptionally fun to watch and is single-handedly allowing Daniel Jones to continue playing quarterback in the NFL. Jones’ passer rating overall? 80.8. When he targets Nabers? 108.3. Can you imagine if the guy had a real quarterback?

23. Las Vegas Raiders (2-2)

LW: 27

The fact that they beat the Browns without Maxx Crosby is impressive, sure. I don’t actually think this is a good football team, but they’re higher than maybe they otherwise would be on account of the fact that it looks like the Davante Adams trade discourse is about to pop off in a big way. Plus, Antonio Pierce is worth the watchability/entertainment price of admission by himself. Calling out your team for making business decisions? Check. Liking an Instagram post that suggested Adams may have played his last down for the Raiders? Check. It’s petty, ridiculous, and very, very Raiders. These guys have a real chance to keep moving up even if they’re losing games.

22. Chicago Bears (2-2)

LW: 23

Caleb Williams’ performance against the Rams didn’t feature eye-popping numbers like his previous outing against Indianapolis, but it was his best game so far as a pro – an efficient, game-manager type performance. Of course, the Bears didn’t pick him number one overall to be a game manager, and some fans are doubtless growing impatient because of *gestures at Jayden Daniels*, but games like Sunday’s are positive steps. The talent is there, and with any luck, the improvement will continue to be linear. Of course, these are the Bears we’re talking about, so it could all go to hell for them yet again.

21. Arizona Cardinals (1-3)

LW: 21

These guys probably don’t deserve to stay where they are, not after getting their doors blown off by Washington. However, I can’t shake the thought that Kyler Murray is going to at least give me four or five “wow” plays per game, and that he might just mess around and win them a few games that they have no earthly business winning. Having said that, they could easily be 1-5 in two weeks, with road dates at San Francisco and Green Bay looming.

20. Los Angeles Chargers (2-2)

LW: 15

How best to follow up getting manhandled by the Steelers for your first loss of the season? How about jumping out to a 10-0 lead after one quarter against the defending Super Bowl champs, only to score precisely zero points the rest of the way, en route to a 17-10 loss? The whole appeal of turning the Chargers into the NFL’s version of Michigan was that Justin Herbert’s presence would provide the kind of playmaking that would make the formula nearly unstoppable. Presented with the chance for a statement win, they delivered another dud. The Chiefs won’t stay vulnerable forever. This was a missed opportunity.

19. Indianapolis Colts (2-2)

LW: 22

The Colts stifled Pittsburgh’s traditional running game, sprinted out to leads of 14-0 and 17-3, then hung on late to knock Pittsburgh from the ranks of the unbeatens, 27-24. Oh, I should mention that they did the vast majority of this with Joe Flacco as their quarterback, after yet another injury knocked Anthony Richardson from the game. Indy might be sneaky decent, and crucially, we got proof Sunday that if Richardson misses extended time, Flacco appears to be more than ready to cook.

18. Atlanta Falcons (2-2)

LW: 18

So now we get to the mushy middle. Are these guys good? Are they appointment viewing? Hell if I know. Pittsburgh handed them their lunch, then they returned the favor to the Eagles, only to blow a golden opportunity against the Chiefs, before sneaking past the Saints thanks to Younghoe Koo hitting a 58-yard field goal at the gun. I do know one thing is very strange: Kyle Pitts went an entire game without a single reception for the first time in his career. So much for Kirk Cousins unlocking his potential.

17. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3)

LW: 20

Admit it, you were wondering when you’d see them. This here is the best 1-3 team in football, and they’re better than some 2-2 teams, as evidenced by their placement in these rankings. It sounds dumb and it’s not really an argument that should be made, but they really are a handful of plays and perhaps a timely defensive stop from being 4-0. Chase Brown looks like a major weapon in the making, Ja’Marr Chase scored a ridiculous touchdown, and Joe Burrow looks like Joe Burrow again. Sure, they can’t play defense against anyone, but who cares? They’ve got a big one with Baltimore this week, and Burrow has better numbers against them than either of his other AFC North opponents. Win that game, and suddenly you’re right back on some radars.

16. New York Jets (2-2)

LW: 8

I wanted to put them behind the Bengals, I swear I did. Eight spots is a precipitous drop, but it feels like they deserve more after whatever the hell that was against the Broncos on Sunday. Vance Joseph had Aaron Rodgers and Nathaniel Hackett totally flummoxed and out of sorts all day, the running game couldn’t get going, and to make matters worse, Greg Zuerlein missed a 50-yard field goal that still would have won them the game. Not that they deserved to, mind you, but it would be a lot easier to stomach a horrid performance at 3-1 as opposed to 2-2. In a related note, we may have crowned the Jets a bit too early.

15. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)

LW: 19

It’s not like they beat the Giants in a way that warrants a four-spot jump from last week. It’s just that there are a whole lot of uninspiring 2-2 teams, and at least the Cowboys have the common decency to be interesting, usually because of their dysfunction. Micah Parsons might miss his first game at any level due to injury, DeMarcus Lawrence was just placed on injured reserve, and Dallas has to travel to Pittsburgh to take on an angry team, and an even angrier defense. With Detroit and then San Francisco looming in the coming weeks, Sunday night’s tilt looks crucial for America’s Team.

14. New Orleans Saints (2-2)

LW: 13

Oh ho ho, not so tough now, are we, New Orleans? Life sure was easy when you were averaging 45 points per game. Things aren’t as fun when you’ve scored 36 in your last two contests, and lost them both in the process. I would love to tell you that I have a good handle on what this team is all about, but that would be a lie. Derek Carr’s numbers look good at a glance, but less so when you consider that five of his six touchdowns came in the first two games of the season. There’s week-to-week chaos potential with the Saints, which is why I’m keeping them here, but their position is precarious, to be sure.

13. Philadelphia Eagles (2-2)

LW: 12

They’re ahead of the Saints solely by virtue of having beaten them head-to-head. Make no mistake, though: This team should not be trusted under any circumstances. I thought they had fixed their defense after they stifled New Orleans, but Baker Mayfield clowned them over and over again, completing passes to eight different receivers and having his way with whatever Vic Fangio tried to throw at him. Also: I’m pretty sure we’ve seen the best of Jalen Hurts already. He could still be above average, but he’ll never be second in the MVP voting ever again.

12. Green Bay Packers (2-2)

LW: 4

Eight spots is a long way to fall for a team that almost finished off a rally from 28-0 down, but ultimately, a few harsh truths must be acknowledged: One, Green Bay lost a home game to the top team in the division. Two, Sam Darnold absolutely diced them up, particularly in the first half. Three, “almost” doesn’t matter. The Packers had a chance to make a statement, but instead it was Minnesota walking out of Lambeau Field feeling ten feet tall. I will say, I think this is a very good offense, with a very smart guy running the show, so Green Bay has more potential for upward mobility than several of the teams just behind them in the rankings.

11. Seattle Seahawks (3-1)

LW: 5

Geno Smith is, first and foremost, a big-time throw machine and insanely fun to watch. He’s probably a top-7 quarterback. At the very least, he’s much better than casual fans think he is. The Seahawks’ big three receivers are all excellent, and in different ways. They fell hard in a showdown with Detroit, though, and the reason for such a big drop is the fact that the Lions were the first real offense Seattle had faced all year. Surrendering a “perfect game” to Jared Goff and getting gashed repeatedly for big plays is not a good way to convince outsiders that your defense is for real. Still, this is a very fun team, flaws and all.

Thanks for reading Nine Straight Threes! This post is public so feel free to share it.

10. San Francisco 49ers (2-2)

LW: 16

Controversial to have them this high? I don’t think so. Sure, you can’t prove a whole lot by throttling the hapless Patriots, but the Niners did just that. Brock Purdy hit several big chunk plays in the passing game, and Jordan Mason continues to do his best Christian McCaffrey impersonation. It is here that I mention that I dropped Mason quite unceremoniously in a required offseason roster cutdown in one of my dynasty fantasy leagues. My literal thinking was, “McCaffrey was healthy last year, he must have turned a corner with all that!” This is mainly my way of admitting to you, the reader, that I am a dumbass.

9. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1)

LW: 6

These guys want to win with defense and the running game, which is what made Sunday’s loss to the Colts so shocking. Mike Tomlin’s $138 million defense looked lost against Anthony Richardson early on, then even more lost against Joe Flacco. They didn’t tackle, they didn’t communicate, and they didn’t get off the field on third down. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play? Najee Harris couldn’t do anything on the ground, but on the plus side, Justin Fields played his most dynamic game yet. Tomlin needs to state the obvious and name Fields his starting quarterback.

8. Baltimore Ravens (2-2)

LW: 14

Proud of myself for last week having the Ravens in the top half of the league despite their losing record, a decision validated by their total demolition of the previously unbeaten Bills. Derrick Henry looks terrifying, which is funny because I saw people claiming he looked washed up in Week 1. You might want to tell that to the entire Buffalo secondary, which failed to run him down on his 87-yard touchdown run, and was losing ground as he crossed the goal line. There’s probably a case to be made that the Ravens should be at least a few spots higher, but wins and losses have to mean something, don’t they? Pass defense is Baltimore’s only weakness; Joe Burrow is the perfect man to exploit it. If the Ravens silence him, they’ll be in the top-5 this time next week.

7. Houston Texans (3-1)

LW: 10

These guys are still a tough evaluation, and could easily be four spots lower in these rankings. They’ve played one truly good team so far, and they lost that game by 27 points. The only reason they aren’t 2-2 is because the Jaguars are a trash fire of the highest order. I just can’t drop them too far down, because I still think C.J. Stroud is going to be ridiculous this year. To that end, he was razor sharp against Jacksonville, and calmly drove Houston 69 yards (nice) for the winning touchdown with less than 20 seconds left. Feel confident that my long-term faith in this group will be validated.

6. Buffalo Bills (3-1)

LW: 1

Yeah, sorry, I think this team is still very good, but when you get dusted like they did, you get dropped five spots. Doesn’t need much more explanation. Still a hugely entertaining bunch to watch, but they might want to decide if they need a true big-time wide receiver, or if they’re comfortable with Josh Allen spreading it around every game.

5. Kansas City Chiefs (4-0)

LW: 7

It has been suggested that the Chiefs are pacing themselves, and that, as a two-time defending Super Bowl champion, they’ve earned the benefit of the doubt on that front. That’s true, I think, but they still have real problems. Namely, the fact that Rashee Rice is going to miss either the rest of the season, or almost all of it, after a friendly-fire hit from Patrick Mahomes. That means the Chiefs will be in the wide receiver trade market, which subsequently means that whoever they get will immediately play 10 times better than whatever he was doing in his previous stop. Sorry. I don’t make the rules.

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-1)

LW: 11

They aren’t just here because they rebounded from their ugly loss to the Broncos by vivisecting the Eagles, they’re also here because of the Baker Mayfield/Tom Brady kerfuffle. Here’s a nice little summary of the whole thing, but needless to say, if you’re a good team AND your quarterback is getting himself into situations like this, you’re going to stay nice and high in these rankings. Here’s a serious statement about this team: They can absolutely win the NFC.

3. Detroit Lions (3-1)

LW: 9

Oh hell yeah, that’s more like it. The fun Lions returned in a big way on Monday night, rocking the black uniforms and swanky helmets that deservedly got props from across the football universe. Jared Goff set an NFL record for the most passes without an incompletion, going 18-of-18 for 292 yards and 2 touchdowns, David Montgomery and Jahmyr Gibbs rushed for 3 touchdowns, and Jameson Williams scorched Seattle for a lightning-strike 70-yard catch and run. Oh, and Goff caught a touchdown from Amon-Ra St. Brown. Ben Johnson was in his bag, as the kids say. The defense wasn’t great, but how many games are you going to lose when you score 42?

2. Washington Commanders (3-1)

LW: 2

What’s your favorite Commanders stat? Is it Jayden Daniels’ 82.1 completion percentage through four games? That’s the best completion percentage by an NFL player in any four-game span (minimum 100 attempts) since at least 1950. Is it the fact that he’s completed at least 85 percent of his passes for two consecutive games, the first time anyone has done that in NFL history (while attempting at least 15 passes in each game)? Mine is a simple listing of their offensive drive outcomes over the last three games. Ready?

Field Goal

Field Goal

Field Goal

End of Half

Field Goal

Field Goal

Field Goal

Field Goal

Touchdown

Touchdown

Touchdown

End of Half

Touchdown

Field Goal

Touchdown

End of Game

Touchdown

Touchdown

Interception

Punt

Field Goal

Touchdown

Field Goal

Touchdown

Touchdown

Twenty-five possessions. Twenty-two if you take out kneel-down situations. The Commanders have scored on 20 of their last 22 “real” drives. This team rules, Daniels rules, and a long-suffering fan base deserves this kind of fun.

1. Minnesota Vikings

LW: 2

Congrats to the Vikings. They are at the top of the heap in the second edition of the power rankings. They are fun. They are good. They survived a fierce comeback from a very game opponent, in the opponent’s building, in a crucial division game. Are they the best team in the NFL? No, I don’t think so. Are they the best team in the NFC? No, I don’t think that, either. Are they the best team in the NFC North? Honestly, going to go with no again here. But – BUT! These rankings aren’t about the long-term. They’re about being a prisoner of the moment. And right now, Sam Darnold looks like an MVP candidate, Brian Flores has the defense flying around, and Kevin O’Connell is pushing all the right buttons. Minnesota is 4-0 for the first time since 2016, and for now, that’s all that matters.