Welcome to Nine Straight Threes' NFL Power Rankings

Three weeks into the 2024 NFL season, we’ve got the usual spate of interesting storylines. Offensive numbers are down and quarterbacks are struggling – more on that in a future post – and a few surprise teams have stormed out of the gate.

While power rankings might seem like the lowest-hanging fruit, the aim of Nine Straight Threes will be to give you the “truest” measure of which teams are delivering the goods. How? By acknowledging that the NFL is an entertainment product above all else, and that the only sin greater than being a bad team is being a bad team that is also boring.

Similarly, if there’s a 3-0 team out there that’s slogging their way to wins, they aren’t going to be number one. Or two or three, for that matter. Using a proprietary formula (y=mx+b) that takes watchability and performance into account, I will rank the league every week.

Without further ado, here are the inaugural Nine Straight Threes NFL Power Rankings:

1. Buffalo Bills (3-0)

Remember when the Bills were going to have to endure a down year, when the Jets were going to pass them, when they were going to struggle to make the playoffs? I certainly don’t, because I never believed any of that. Josh Allen is the Terminator, and Buffalo has scored at least 31 points in all three of their games. They’ve also outscored their last two opponents by a combined 78-20. Everyone’s getting touches, James Cook is running well, and the Bills are once again fun AND scary.

2. Minnesota Vikings (3-0)

I thought Sam Darnold would be the best quarterback in the 2018 Draft, but didn’t consider that he might be drafted by the Jets. Unsurprisingly, things didn’t work out there, and stops in Carolina and San Francisco yielded very little. Darnold looked like he was headed towards journeyman status, and fast. Then, J.J. McCarthy went down for the year. Turns out, Darnold just needed to play for Kevin O’Connell. O’Connell has unlocked all of Darnold’s talent, while minimizing any downsides. Darnold is leading the league in touchdown passes, and the Vikings have already picked off two popular Super Bowl picks – San Francisco and Houston – in back-to-back weeks.

3. Washington Commanders (2-1)

Prisoner of the moment? Sure, I might be. But the Commanders haven’t punted the ball in two weeks, and Jayden Daniels did this to seal Monday night’s win in Cincinnati, in an early game of the year candidate. They are appointment viewing until further notice, even if the Bengals’ defense is terrible.

4. Green Bay Packers (2-1)

I’m not very proud to admit that until last year, I wasn’t a big Matt LaFleur fan. Didn’t really get the hype. Thought that he was getting too much credit for being another branch of the McVay tree, etc. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m trying to delete it, etc. LaFleur retooled his offense around Willis on the fly, with great success. The Titans thought so little of Willis that they traded him to Green Bay for a 2025 7^th-round pick. All he’s done in two weeks is go 25-of-34 for 324 yards, throw 2 touchdowns, and run for 114 yards and another score. The Packers have run for 449 yards in the last two games; there’s just something fun about watching a team go old school and pummel opponents on the ground. This week’s showdown with the Vikings should be fun.

5. Seattle Seahawks (3-0)

Trying to fight East Coast Bias here by recognizing the Seahawks, who got to 3-0 by battering the Tua-less husk of the Miami Dolphins. Geno Smith’s numbers aren’t outwardly eye-popping; he’s got 3 touchdowns and 3 interceptions. But if you aren’t box-score watching, the man is dealing yet again. He’s got the most completions in the league through three weeks, and he’s completing 75 percent of his passes. Detroit should be a good test this week, and a fun game, even if Seattle doesn’t usually spring to mind as a must-watch team.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-0)

DISCLAIMER: I watch this team closer than the other 31. Sometimes, that makes me insane. Right now? It’s pretty fun. Justin Fields has made progress every week. He was the reason the Steelers beat the Chargers in a battle of 2-0 teams. He’s completing 73.3 percent of his passes after hovering around 60 percent for his Bears tenure. He’s not making the crippling mistakes that plagued him with the Bears. That said, the Steelers aren’t higher because if Mike Tomlin could win a game 0 to -2, he would.

7. Kansas City Chiefs (3-0)

Normally I wouldn’t subscribe to the “Kansas City gets all the breaks” line of thinking, but it feels like Kansas City kind of gets all the breaks, the latest of which was an uncalled pass interference late in their win against the Falcons. Patrick Mahomes is playing like a league-average quarterback, but is still making just enough plays to get wins. Travis Kelce has just 69 yards receiving (nice), but Rashee Rice is picking up the slack. We all know they’re going to be there at the end, so really, how much fun are all these close calls?

8. New York Jets (2-1)

It is with great sadness that I report to you, dear reader, that Aaron Rodgers is good again. Whereas it is very clear that Kirk Cousins can barely move outside the pocket, Rodgers appears to be quite nimble, and after a bumpy start against the 49ers, he’s been sharp in wins over the Titans and Patriots. There is plenty of skill talent around, particularly Braelon Allen, whose presence alongside Breece Hall gives New York arguably the best backfield tandem in the league.

9. Detroit Lions (2-1)

The Lions haven’t really looked like the quasi-juggernaut they appeared to be last year; the offense has looked uneven at times, and they failed to defend their home turf in a playoff rematch against the Bucs. Still, they are 2-1, and winning games with something less than your best is one of the marks of a good team. Dan Campbell’s squad has earned the benefit of the doubt. I expect them to look more fun, and soon.

10. Houston Texans (2-1)

Wasn’t really sure where to slot Houston, to be honest. C.J. Stroud hasn’t yet flashed his rookie form, and the Texans just got eviscerated by Minnesota. Still, they’re 2-1, the rest of the AFC South looks quite awful, and there’s still plenty of coaching and playing talent to go around. They’re kind of like the AFC’s version of the Lions through three games. That’s not a terrible place to be.

11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-1)

Two impressive wins to start the season were followed by an absolute dud of a loss; Tampa made Bo Nix look like a Rookie of the Year candidate, and Baker Mayfield scuffled badly. I have a soft spot for the Bucs; I like the roster a lot, particularly given the financial constraints Tom Brady’s retirement put on them, and I think Mayfield is a top-15 quarterback in the league. I expect them to stay comfortably in the top half of the league all year.

12. Philadelphia Eagles (2-1)

Judge the Eagles solely by the way their fans tweet about the team during a game, and you would think that they are the worst franchise in all of sports, one that should be condemned to Hell for all eternity. Actually watch the team play and you realize that you’re looking at an above-average team with some warts. In other words, they’re like at least 10 to 12 other teams. By all means, however, bench Jalen Hurts, and fire Nick Sirianni.

13. New Orleans Saints (2-1)

For two weeks, the Saints kept marching into the end zone, and then they ran into a Vic Fangio defensive game plan that cut them off at the knees. They’re absolutely entertaining; putting up 91 points in two weeks is impressive no matter who it’s against. The question of whether or not they’re good is another matter. The next three games – at Atlanta, at Kansas City, home to Tampa Bay – should tell us a lot about Dennis Allen’s bunch.

14. Baltimore Ravens (1-2)

Do the Ravens deserve to be higher? Probably. Losing to the Chiefs is hardly shameful. I can’t shake Baltimore’s fourth-quarter collapse against the Raiders, followed by a near collapse against the Cowboys from my memory, however. Lamar Jackson remains extremely fun and good, and he and Derrick Henry are combining to rush for 178 yards per game, but the defense is 24^th in points allowed and 23^rd in yards allowed through three games. The next two games? Home against Buffalo and on the road against a desperate Bengals team. Will they be 1-4 after five games? 3-2? I could believe either, right now.

15. Los Angeles Chargers (2-1)

Jim Harbaugh? Very good coach. All he does is win, wherever he goes. That said, half his damn team is injured after a second-half beating at the hands of the Steelers, Derwin James got himself suspended for a game, Justin Herbert aggravated his ankle injury, and up next for the Chargers? Merely the Chiefs. Playing “Michigan-style” football in the NFL is fun when you’re beating up on the Panthers and Raiders. It’s a little less aesthetically pleasing when you’re on the receiving end. Feels like these guys could skid a few spots in the coming weeks.

16. San Francisco 49ers (1-2)

You want to talk about beat up? You want to talk about beat up? Christian McCaffrey was in Germany to see an Achilles specialist. Pro Bowl defensive tackle Javon Hargrave was lost for the year with a partially torn triceps. Brock Purdy’s back is sore. George Kittle and Deebo Samuel missed last week’s come-from-ahead loss to the Rams. Nick Bosa and others are banged up. Did I mention they blew a two-touchdown fourth-quarter lead last Sunday? The Patriots will provide a respite this week, but it might be getting late early for last year’s NFC champs.

17. Los Angeles Rams (1-2)

It’s not an exaggeration to say that the Rams saved their season with their rally over San Francisco. What’s even more impressive is that they did it in front of a SoFi Stadium crowd that looked to be at least 85 to 90 percent 49ers fans. What are we doing, Los Angeles? Anyway, the Rams’ entertainment value is inversely proportional to their overall health. Fully healthy Rams? Eh. A bunch of guys you’ve barely heard of, with Matthew Stafford desperately trying to will them to wins? Must-see-TV.

18. Atlanta Falcons (1-2)

After one week, Kirk Cousins was cooked. Early on in Week 2, the “Have to put in Michael Penix Jr.” tweets were flying. Cousins looked great in rallying to beat the Eagles. He’s was merely so-so against the Chiefs. If we were even getting solid Minnesota Cousins, the Falcons would be a lot of fun. Alas, watching him try to move anywhere with any sort of urgency is almost uncomfortable. Home dates with the Saints and Bucs the next two weeks provide Atlanta with a chance to show they’re for real…or not.

19. Dallas Cowboys (1-2)

Good lord, aren’t these guys insufferable? Ooh, you almost came back and beat the Ravens. But you didn’t. Hey, at least Jerry Jones is taking a healthy chunk of blame for the franchise’s woes. No team this annoying deserves this much oxygen. The Giants on the road, on a short week? That seems like a potential trap. The Steelers on the road right after? Mike Tomlin’s team probably can’t wait to play a defense as soft as the one America’s Team is putting on the field. 2-4 heading to the bye week is very, very possible.

20. Cincinnati Bengals (0-3)

These guys don’t belong with the rest of their 0-3 brethren down near the bottom of the heap. Joe Burrow is too good for that. And in keeping with the whole “entertainment value” matters theme, they just played what will surely be one of the most entertaining games of the season Monday night. The problem, of course, was that they lost. And for all the praise we heap on Lou Anarumo for having Patrick Mahomes’ number, relatively speaking, that doesn’t give him a pass when his defense literally fails to stop Jayden Daniels once.

We’re getting this bad boy we call Nine Straight Threes off the ground. If you dig this, share it with a friend so they too can read it on the toilet at work.

21. Arizona Cardinals (1-2)

The trouble with players like Kyler Murray is that when they have a great game, as he did in torching the Rams in Week 2, everyone salivates over what could be coming next. What came next, in this case, was a dud of a 20-13 loss to the Lions. Murray was just blah out there, and with a chance to make a statement, the Cardinals went down with a whimper. Marvin Harrison Jr. should be fun to watch, at least.

22. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)

This team has big problems on defense, gave up almost 500 yards rushing in its first two games, and is only 1-2 because the Bears are struggling even worse. Anthony Richardson is usually good for a few eye-popping plays per game, but the Colts need to start producing wins, or else they’ll be a one-man highlight show and not much else.

23. Chicago Bears (1-2)

Bears fans: You didn’t think it was gonna be that easy, did you? Give it time. It has been pretty uninspiring to watch, however.

24. Miami Dolphins (1-2)

Without Tua, they are a tough watch. They’re also probably going to be out of the playoff race, before too long. It’s a shame, too, because when that offense is humming, they’re very fun to watch.

25. New York Giants (1-2)

The Giants take a lot of crap, and they probably should. However, Malik Nabers appears to be the very real deal, and they’re maybe a kicker injury away from being 2-1 and kind of frisky. I don’t think it will last, but Nabers is absolutely appointment viewing.

26. Denver Broncos (1-2)

As someone who had a survivor pool entry done in by Bo Nix’s sudden bout of competence, I’ve got an axe to grind with Denver. I still think they’re bad, I still think Nix is going to have a very rough year, and I don’t really want to see them on my TV, ever. They kind of remind me of last year’s Steelers; the defense is good, even very good, but the offense leaves so much to be desired. Unlike last year’s Steelers, they’re not winning 10 games.

27. Las Vegas Raiders (1-2)

We went from “holy crap, what a comeback win for the Raiders in Baltimore” to “Antonio Pierce is accusing some of his players of making business decisions” in record time. As always with this franchise, there’s some real rubbernecking entertainment value. Can’t imagine actually being a Raiders fan, though. That just seems like the kind of emotional torment no one deserves.

28. Carolina Panthers (1-2)

If Bryce Young was still quarterback, they’d be 32 on this list, easily. With Andy Dalton, they jump up a few spots. Think he might be able to really twist the knife on his former team this week? I would not rule it out. Also, probably not much fun being Young right now, and coming to grips with the fact that the issue with the offense was the guy you see in the mirror every morning.

29. Cleveland Browns (1-2)

Want to know how your team can improve this ranking AND possibly win some football games, Cleveland fans? The answer is very simple: Put Jameis in.

30. Tennessee Titans (0-3)

Will Levis is definitely entertaining to watch if you’ve got money on Tennessee’s opponent, or you enjoy watching someone do the worst possible thing at the worst possible time, or you just enjoy the misery of others. If your goal is to see the Titans win? Oh god, I’m so sorry.

31. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-3)

Dating back to last year, most of Trevor Lawrence’s advanced stats aren’t looking so hot, the Jaguars are 1-9 in their last 10 games, and you’d be crazy if the phrase “buyer’s remorse” wasn’t creeping into your mind. Have we considered the possibility that Lawrence is just average? If he’s not a big part of the problem, then Doug Pederson should be fired by the time you finish reading this sentence.

32. New England Patriots (1-2)

Remember when they beat the Bengals and we all sort of laughed and said, “Serves us right, can’t ever count out the Patriots?” Neither do I. It feels like a small miracle that they took the Seahawks to overtime, but I expect a lot more games that look like their Week 3 loss to the Jets; noncompetitive and unwatchable. They’re (I think) too smart to subject Drake Maye to any of this for at least several more weeks.